The F Word

#273

Deciding to Let Go

Some wrongs take longer to fade. A job lost unfairly. A betrayal. A conversation where someone dismissed you and you've replayed it a thousand times since. Years later, you're still there—same story, same emotion, same grip. And I've learned to ask myself: What does this serve me?

In my previous post (#272), I wrote about Quiet Agency—the power to choose what belongs to you: your time, your energy, your boundaries, without needing permission or fanfare. Forgiveness is another form of that. It's deciding whether you keep holding something someone else handed you.

The Law of the Garbage Truck

My dad once taught me the concept of "The Law of the Garbage Truck". Many people, he said, are like garbage trucks. They run around full of frustration, anger, disappointment. When they dump it on you—a harsh word, a snapped response, an unfair decision—here's what matters:

1. Don't take it personally. It's a reflection of where they are, not who you are.

2. Let it go. Smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.

3. Don't spread it. Don't let their mood become your mood at home, at work, with people you actually care about. Your emotional state is your responsibility, not theirs.

"New Choice!"

There's a game in improv called "New Choice." You play a scene one way, get a reaction, then the director calls out at any point they wish: "New Choice!" and you try a different response to the same situation. Such as: "Oh how much does this cost?" You say: "15 dollars". "New choice!" "10 pesos." "New choice!" "Umm...2 lasagnas!" This forces actors to break their habitual thought patterns, embrace spontaneity, and justify unexpected changes on the spot. 

It could even get zanier or take on a completely new direction, making a dull, boring scene way more interesting than changing just one aspect from the previous choice, like: “I'm walking my dog.” “New choice!” “This is a robbery. Give me all your money!” “New choice!” “I hate to be the one to tell you – but you're just not cut out to be an astronaut, Daniel.”

Now apply that to real life. Someone cuts you off in traffic. They honk, they gesture. In that moment, your first instinct might be: "How dare they? I'm a good driver. They're reckless. I'm going to remember this for the rest of the day."

But what if you tried a new choice? New choice one: "They're probably late for something. Maybe someone they love is in the hospital. Maybe they're having the worst day of their life. I don't know their story."

New choice two: "That had nothing to do with me. They didn't even see me. This is about their distraction, not my driving."

New choice three: "I'm safe. My car is fine. Nothing actually happened. I don't need to spend my energy on this."

Same situation. Three completely different emotional outcomes. One leaves you angry all day. One leaves you compassionate. One leaves you unbothered.

The Holy Buddha vs Louis Litt

If you've watched Suits, you know Louis Litt. Brilliant lawyer. Ambitious. But also—he seethes like no one else. He holds grudges like they're oxygen. Someone doesn't respect him? He replays it. Someone chooses Harvey over him? He carries it and lets the situation affect him all day. He's the guy who remembers every snub and every moment he wasn't chosen. And it eats him alive. 

He's miserable not because bad things happened to him, but because he won't let them go.

Now here's Buddha. Someone comes to him full of anger, hurling insults, cursing him. Instead of accepting the insult and carrying it, Buddha sits calmly and asks a question: "If someone gives you a gift and you refuse to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?"

The man answers: it stays with the giver.

Buddha smiles and says: "Exactly. Your anger is a gift. If I refuse to accept it, if I don't get insulted in return, your anger stays with you. You're the only one who becomes unhappy."

Louis would have accepted that gift. He would have taken the insult home, replayed it, seethed about it, brought it up years later. He would have made it his burden to carry.

Buddha refuses the gift. He lets it stay with the person who gave it.

It's up to you to decide whose qualities you wish to emulate.

What Happens When You Let Go

You feel lighter. Not immediately. But after you've sat with it differently enough times that the grip loosens.

I spent years replaying a career misstep that wasn't entirely my fault. Blamed myself and my choices. Blamed the person, the company, the world. Held it tight. Then after consciously and constantly trying, I started to move on. I told myself: They're not even thinking about this. I'm the only one suffering here.

So I tried a new choice. I accepted that they did what they could with what they had. I let go of the victim mentality. Thanks to that, I gained space to think about something else. To invest in truly moving forward.

That's what forgiveness is. Not excusing them. Not forgetting. It's reclaiming your energy. It's refusing their gift.

Still a Work in Progress

Some days are harder than others. Days where the same feelings and emotions bubble back up and I find it difficult to let go. Where I want to text someone and tell them exactly how they hurt me. Where the old story plays on repeat and I can't seem to find the new choice.

On those days, I write. Or I cook a new recipe, something that requires my full attention—chopping, measuring, tasting, adjusting. The focus redirects itself. My hands are busy. My mind has something else to hold onto. And by the time I'm done, the grip has loosened just enough.

I'm still learning this. Still trying. But that's the work—trying, failing, trying again. Willingness is step one.

"Like a roller in the ocean, life is motion

Move on

Like a wind that's always blowing, life is flowing

Move on

Like the sunrise in the morning, life is dawning

Move on

How I treasure every minute, being part of, being in it

With the urge to move on"

-ABBA, 1977

I choose me

#272

In my previous post (#271), I wrote about boundaries and learning to say no. Over the years, another aspect I learned is to firstly be by myself and secondly enjoy being by myself.

Alone but never alone

I was and am an only child. Despite not having siblings, I still almost always had someone around - like a parent or a relative. In college, it was always one friend or another, or a group. So being alone felt rather awkward. 

Solo activities were mostly for a purpose - a class I had to take, a task I had to do, a book I was reading. But the idea of doing something alone, in public, for myself wasn't on the menu. There used to be a particular kind of anxiety that came with me being alone in public. Even the thought of sitting by myself at a movie theater or enjoying a coffee all alone at a cafe gave me the heebie-jeebies. On later reflection, I realized not having someone with me made me feel like I was being watched and scrutinized. Others judging me for not having company. Like - "she's by herself, something must be wrong with her for others to be avoiding her or not wanting to accompany her."

Gradual transition

That shame of appearing uncoupled, friendless, weird made me make up excuses for years. I needed someone there as going alone wasn't legitimate. It was kinda sad. American TV has spent decades making jokes about the solo diner, the friendless activities. But there's something liberating and empowering about choosing to sit with yourself. I used to and still admire my partner for being able to be by himself wherever he goes, for most things. Yet another thing I learnt from him to slowly incorporate into my life. One day he urged me "Why don't you just go watch a movie by yourself?" And I did. And nothing happened. It actually felt fine. Everyone was minding their own business. I felt nervous at the beginning and relieved by the end.

Over time, I learnt to take walks at parks by myself from all the free time I had gained from saying no to energy-draining activities thanks to boundary-setting. I started to love this new me-time. I was still in crowds, still out there in the public, but thoughts and ideas accompanied me, making my journey hunky-dory.

Quiet agency

While learning about boundaries from online sources, I also learnt a new phrase which I now use proudly. Quiet agency in this context refers to the intentional, self-directed power to withdraw, set boundaries, and guide your own mental space. It transforms the act of solitude from an involuntary state of loneliness into a restorative, active practice of self-awareness and inner control.

And hey, you just might realize - you're actually good company! With yourself, by yourself, for yourself.

"No" boundaries

#271

I used to be a pathological people-pleaser. Still kinda am, ngl, but I've gotten better at becoming aware of it.

How'd I become an approval-seeking, conflict-avoiding, boundary-less, serial yes-er? A walking apology most times? In short, a doormat?

Well, I was that kid at parties sitting alone in a corner while everyone else was having real "fun". The introverted 1-on-1 talker avoiding groups with her nose in a book while everyone else was... doing whatever it is cool kids do. Didn't have many friends back then. So when college happened and suddenly people wanted to hang out? I said yes to everything. Whatever it took to not be left behind again. Be flexible, easy, ergo likeable.

It worked! I had friends. Kept them too. But also... the cost was invisible. I'd said yes to stuff I hated and bent myself into shapes that didn't fit. I'd cancel my own plans last minute if someone needed me, sit through movies I hated, pretend to enjoy parties, laugh at jokes that weren't funny - just to keep people around. I'd also drop my own schedule to accommodate other people's availability, even when it meant exhausting myself.

Work made it so much worse. Toxic environments are designed to make you afraid of saying no. Say no to a random task and suddenly you're "not aligned with leadership." Say no to a meeting and you're "not a team player." The pressure isn't even about the work - it's psychological. And it works because you're already wired to people-please.

Thanks to my partner, I learned this crazy concept called "Boundaries". It amazed me to see how he was able to maintain his inner circle relationships that looked and felt and truly were way different than with those on the "outside". Implementation for me took several years but because I was a willing learner, I kept at it despite the gnawing uncomfortable feeling in my stomach every time I said "Umm...no...but thanks". Felt super weird the first time, felt a tad less weird the second time, and so on. I wish I could say I am proud to be a comfortable sayer of "no"s today, but at least it's a constant work in progress.

What happened when I started saying no? Surprise, surprise - people didn't hate me or avoid me. In fact, quite the contrary. My girl friends admired me for being a boundary-setter and started asking me how I do it. They wanted to learn from me because they thought it was almost impossible, let alone difficult.

Saying no to harder hikes so I can stay home and cook myself a nice meal? Not missing out. Saying no to extra social stuff to vibe with tea and a book? Not missing out. Happily indulging in JOMO - Joy of Missing Out. The term gained popularity as an intentional, positive alternative to anxiety-driven FOMO around 2016-2018 when people started talking about digital wellness and social media fatigue. Turns out, the thing I thought I was "missing" was just stress and exhaustion. The thing I was gaining? Peace.

The actual tea on how to do it:

One: Stop explaining yourself.
This was hard. People-pleasers love to justify, soften the blow with reasons. "I can't make the hike because I'm tired and my knees hurt and I have laundry..." Nope. "I can't make it. Thanks for asking!" Done. Research shows that reasons just invite negotiation - people try to solve your way into a yes. No reason = no argument.

Two: Check if you're saying no from fear or from actual boundaries.
Fear-based no feels heavy and guilty. Boundary-based no feels clean.

Three: Start small.
Say no to easy stuff first - dinner invites you want to avoid, extra tasks that don't add value.
Build the muscle so when bigger things come, you're not panicking. You've already flexed the "no" muscle.

One of my favorite dialogs is from the Bollywood movie Pink. Amitabh Bachchan says: "No is a complete sentence."
You don't owe anyone an explanation. You don't need a reason. Sometimes there just isn't one. And that's valid.

Brené Brown says boundaries are "the clearest path to compassion." When you know your limits, you actually show up for people who matter. You're not resentful or running on empty, rather, you're present.

Taylor Swift sings: "I wouldn't marry me either, a pathological people pleaser, who only wanted you to see her."

We don't have to be that person anymore.

Ladies First (Everything Else Second)

#270

So thanks to CrossFit, I got myself a gals gang. Didn't plan for it, just serendipitously happened. One workout buddy turned into four of us, sometimes twelve when literally everyone can make it, which is rare but a different, welcome vibe.

We hike. We throw birthday parties where the birthday girl shows up with a tiara she's already wearing and we're drinking wine debating whether Vegas is actually going to happen this year (it might, it might not, we'll probably book it at the last minute like we do everything). We lose our minds at the gym over each other's lifts. Like, genuinely lose it. "OMG your squat looks fly." "Did you just PR that deadlift??"  "Girl, look at those triceps working!!" The kind of loud, unselfconscious cheering that makes our actual partners a tiny bit jealous sometimes. They're happy for us, sure, but there's definitely that little glint of FOMO. Which is kind of hilarious because what are they jealous of? We're just yelling about weights and planning hikes.

Every other month, whoever can make it shows up. No guilt trips if you can't make it. No "where have you been?" No elaborate planning required. Just: you free? Cool, let's go. Sometimes it's three of us on a trail talking about life and philosophy. Sometimes it's ten of us at a restaurant somehow all talking at once about our most and least favorite concerts and other random things that are fun to vote on.

Here's the thing about girl gangs after college: most of them die or gradually turn into WhatsApp chats with muted notifications, where a couple of folks post for a while and then that fizzles out too. People move, get married, have kids, get busy, drift into their own lives. It's normal. It's expected. But with us, CrossFit brought us together and kept us going strong. 

Self-care is simply saying yes to the plans that get made spontaneously. Even on a low or meh day, putting on a dress and stepping out of the house to meet them is the hard part. The rest is taken care of.