Let the sunshine in

#275

I remember this song from my 4th grade music class called "Let the Sunshine In", written by Stuart Hamblen. The lyrics go: 

"So let the sunshine in, face it with a grin

Smilers never lose and frowners never win

So let the sunshine in, face it with a grin

Open up your heart and let the sunshine in"

Every time the sun graces us with its presence in gloomy Seattle, my brain automatically starts singing these lyrics. I've lived here more than three years now. The first winter, I was too busy adjusting to notice anything different. Big move from India. New city. New job. New lifestyle. Pretty much new everything. But during the fall and winter the second year - from September to roughly March - I realized I was sleeping at least 10 hours at night! The sun would set around 4PM and it wouldn't turn bright until about 8AM the next day. Also, no matter how rested I'd feel, and regardless of my sleep quality, I'd wake up feeling tired. Some days, I'd even feel kinda hopeless and low. Meh and bleh.

Year three, same thing. And then my friend educated me about SAD. Very apt name for the Seasonal Affective Disorder. It is a type of depression that occurs around the same time each year, typically when daylight hours shorten. Your brain chemistry responds to less sunlight by producing less serotonin. How does one combat it? Several options, including taking vitamin D3 tablets every day, purchasing a light therapy lamp that mimics sunlight, planning trips to sunny cities to escape Seattle winters. These made the hibernation period slightly more manageable.

Just like you allow the sun rays to caress your face, penetrating through the thick, dense clouds, take care of yourself by enabling a glimmer of hope or positivity to pass through despite all the things you might be going through. You're not denying the gloom, you're not weak just by admitting you need help. All you're doing is recognizing that even when your forecast looks bleak, you still get to choose how much light you make space for.

The song rings true. Smilers never lose. Just that they sometimes need vitamin D and a plane ticket south to get there!

Environment design

#274

My partner noticed my two instruments - guitar and violin - both living in their cases. I'd talk about playing them, about wanting to pick them up more. But they stayed tucked away because the effort required just to get them out felt like too much. So one day, my partner bought me two stands. One for the guitar. One for the violin. Nothing fancy, just $8 each. The two instruments sit pretty on their stands, right next to my desk, visible and ready.

Now when I walk past the guitar or violin or sit at my desk, they're just there. No case to unzip or rummaging through a closet. It's an easy grab, and even playing for just 5 minutes a day has become ultra easy. Same impulse I had before - I wanted to play - but now there's no barrier between the thought and the action.


My partner was doing what James Clear talks about in Atomic Habits - Design your environment. Why? Because: environment shapes behavior way more than willpower does. You can have all the intention in the world, but if every single step requires effort, you won't do it. The stands removed those steps.


I do this everywhere now. In the kitchen, my InstaPot that I use every other day, lives on the countertop. Front and center. The toaster - something I use maybe once a week or less often - gets tucked away inside a bottom shelf. It takes an extra two minutes to haul it out. Even with my other appliances - the thing I end up using most is the thing I see first. Environment does the work. You just show up.


Same logic by my bed. I keep a book on my nightstand. A journal. My laptop table setup and ready. When I'm tired at night and my brain won't shut up, the choice is right there. I can read. I can write. I can do two of my favorite hobbies without getting up, without friction. The reading and writing are seamless because the environment made them possible. 


Designing your immediate surroundings so the person you want to be is an easy path to self-care, to taking meaningful action without exercising willpower. And most times, it requires very little effort to remove the friction between you and the thing you actually want to do.

The F Word

#273

Deciding to Let Go

Some wrongs take longer to fade. A job lost unfairly. A betrayal. A conversation where someone dismissed you and you've replayed it a thousand times since. Years later, you're still there—same story, same emotion, same grip. And I've learned to ask myself: What does this serve me?

In my previous post (#272), I wrote about Quiet Agency—the power to choose what belongs to you: your time, your energy, your boundaries, without needing permission or fanfare. Forgiveness is another form of that. It's deciding whether you keep holding something someone else handed you.

The Law of the Garbage Truck

My dad once taught me the concept of "The Law of the Garbage Truck". Many people, he said, are like garbage trucks. They run around full of frustration, anger, disappointment. When they dump it on you—a harsh word, a snapped response, an unfair decision—here's what matters:

1. Don't take it personally. It's a reflection of where they are, not who you are.

2. Let it go. Smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.

3. Don't spread it. Don't let their mood become your mood at home, at work, with people you actually care about. Your emotional state is your responsibility, not theirs.

"New Choice!"

There's a game in improv called "New Choice." You play a scene one way, get a reaction, then the director calls out at any point they wish: "New Choice!" and you try a different response to the same situation. Such as: "Oh how much does this cost?" You say: "15 dollars". "New choice!" "10 pesos." "New choice!" "Umm...2 lasagnas!" This forces actors to break their habitual thought patterns, embrace spontaneity, and justify unexpected changes on the spot. 

It could even get zanier or take on a completely new direction, making a dull, boring scene way more interesting than changing just one aspect from the previous choice, like: “I'm walking my dog.” “New choice!” “This is a robbery. Give me all your money!” “New choice!” “I hate to be the one to tell you – but you're just not cut out to be an astronaut, Daniel.”

Now apply that to real life. Someone cuts you off in traffic. They honk, they gesture. In that moment, your first instinct might be: "How dare they? I'm a good driver. They're reckless. I'm going to remember this for the rest of the day."

But what if you tried a new choice? New choice one: "They're probably late for something. Maybe someone they love is in the hospital. Maybe they're having the worst day of their life. I don't know their story."

New choice two: "That had nothing to do with me. They didn't even see me. This is about their distraction, not my driving."

New choice three: "I'm safe. My car is fine. Nothing actually happened. I don't need to spend my energy on this."

Same situation. Three completely different emotional outcomes. One leaves you angry all day. One leaves you compassionate. One leaves you unbothered.

The Holy Buddha vs Louis Litt

If you've watched Suits, you know Louis Litt. Brilliant lawyer. Ambitious. But also—he seethes like no one else. He holds grudges like they're oxygen. Someone doesn't respect him? He replays it. Someone chooses Harvey over him? He carries it and lets the situation affect him all day. He's the guy who remembers every snub and every moment he wasn't chosen. And it eats him alive. 

He's miserable not because bad things happened to him, but because he won't let them go.

Now here's Buddha. Someone comes to him full of anger, hurling insults, cursing him. Instead of accepting the insult and carrying it, Buddha sits calmly and asks a question: "If someone gives you a gift and you refuse to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?"

The man answers: it stays with the giver.

Buddha smiles and says: "Exactly. Your anger is a gift. If I refuse to accept it, if I don't get insulted in return, your anger stays with you. You're the only one who becomes unhappy."

Louis would have accepted that gift. He would have taken the insult home, replayed it, seethed about it, brought it up years later. He would have made it his burden to carry.

Buddha refuses the gift. He lets it stay with the person who gave it.

It's up to you to decide whose qualities you wish to emulate.

What Happens When You Let Go

You feel lighter. Not immediately. But after you've sat with it differently enough times that the grip loosens.

I spent years replaying a career misstep that wasn't entirely my fault. Blamed myself and my choices. Blamed the person, the company, the world. Held it tight. Then after consciously and constantly trying, I started to move on. I told myself: They're not even thinking about this. I'm the only one suffering here.

So I tried a new choice. I accepted that they did what they could with what they had. I let go of the victim mentality. Thanks to that, I gained space to think about something else. To invest in truly moving forward.

That's what forgiveness is. Not excusing them. Not forgetting. It's reclaiming your energy. It's refusing their gift.

Still a Work in Progress

Some days are harder than others. Days where the same feelings and emotions bubble back up and I find it difficult to let go. Where I want to text someone and tell them exactly how they hurt me. Where the old story plays on repeat and I can't seem to find the new choice.

On those days, I write. Or I cook a new recipe, something that requires my full attention—chopping, measuring, tasting, adjusting. The focus redirects itself. My hands are busy. My mind has something else to hold onto. And by the time I'm done, the grip has loosened just enough.

I'm still learning this. Still trying. But that's the work—trying, failing, trying again. Willingness is step one.

"Like a roller in the ocean, life is motion

Move on

Like a wind that's always blowing, life is flowing

Move on

Like the sunrise in the morning, life is dawning

Move on

How I treasure every minute, being part of, being in it

With the urge to move on"

-ABBA, 1977

I choose me

#272

In my previous post (#271), I wrote about boundaries and learning to say no. Over the years, another aspect I learned is to firstly be by myself and secondly enjoy being by myself.

Alone but never alone

I was and am an only child. Despite not having siblings, I still almost always had someone around - like a parent or a relative. In college, it was always one friend or another, or a group. So being alone felt rather awkward. 

Solo activities were mostly for a purpose - a class I had to take, a task I had to do, a book I was reading. But the idea of doing something alone, in public, for myself wasn't on the menu. There used to be a particular kind of anxiety that came with me being alone in public. Even the thought of sitting by myself at a movie theater or enjoying a coffee all alone at a cafe gave me the heebie-jeebies. On later reflection, I realized not having someone with me made me feel like I was being watched and scrutinized. Others judging me for not having company. Like - "she's by herself, something must be wrong with her for others to be avoiding her or not wanting to accompany her."

Gradual transition

That shame of appearing uncoupled, friendless, weird made me make up excuses for years. I needed someone there as going alone wasn't legitimate. It was kinda sad. American TV has spent decades making jokes about the solo diner, the friendless activities. But there's something liberating and empowering about choosing to sit with yourself. I used to and still admire my partner for being able to be by himself wherever he goes, for most things. Yet another thing I learnt from him to slowly incorporate into my life. One day he urged me "Why don't you just go watch a movie by yourself?" And I did. And nothing happened. It actually felt fine. Everyone was minding their own business. I felt nervous at the beginning and relieved by the end.

Over time, I learnt to take walks at parks by myself from all the free time I had gained from saying no to energy-draining activities thanks to boundary-setting. I started to love this new me-time. I was still in crowds, still out there in the public, but thoughts and ideas accompanied me, making my journey hunky-dory.

Quiet agency

While learning about boundaries from online sources, I also learnt a new phrase which I now use proudly. Quiet agency in this context refers to the intentional, self-directed power to withdraw, set boundaries, and guide your own mental space. It transforms the act of solitude from an involuntary state of loneliness into a restorative, active practice of self-awareness and inner control.

And hey, you just might realize - you're actually good company! With yourself, by yourself, for yourself.

"No" boundaries

#271

I used to be a pathological people-pleaser. Still kinda am, ngl, but I've gotten better at becoming aware of it.

How'd I become an approval-seeking, conflict-avoiding, boundary-less, serial yes-er? A walking apology most times? In short, a doormat?

Well, I was that kid at parties sitting alone in a corner while everyone else was having real "fun". The introverted 1-on-1 talker avoiding groups with her nose in a book while everyone else was... doing whatever it is cool kids do. Didn't have many friends back then. So when college happened and suddenly people wanted to hang out? I said yes to everything. Whatever it took to not be left behind again. Be flexible, easy, ergo likeable.

It worked! I had friends. Kept them too. But also... the cost was invisible. I'd said yes to stuff I hated and bent myself into shapes that didn't fit. I'd cancel my own plans last minute if someone needed me, sit through movies I hated, pretend to enjoy parties, laugh at jokes that weren't funny - just to keep people around. I'd also drop my own schedule to accommodate other people's availability, even when it meant exhausting myself.

Work made it so much worse. Toxic environments are designed to make you afraid of saying no. Say no to a random task and suddenly you're "not aligned with leadership." Say no to a meeting and you're "not a team player." The pressure isn't even about the work - it's psychological. And it works because you're already wired to people-please.

Thanks to my partner, I learned this crazy concept called "Boundaries". It amazed me to see how he was able to maintain his inner circle relationships that looked and felt and truly were way different than with those on the "outside". Implementation for me took several years but because I was a willing learner, I kept at it despite the gnawing uncomfortable feeling in my stomach every time I said "Umm...no...but thanks". Felt super weird the first time, felt a tad less weird the second time, and so on. I wish I could say I am proud to be a comfortable sayer of "no"s today, but at least it's a constant work in progress.

What happened when I started saying no? Surprise, surprise - people didn't hate me or avoid me. In fact, quite the contrary. My girl friends admired me for being a boundary-setter and started asking me how I do it. They wanted to learn from me because they thought it was almost impossible, let alone difficult.

Saying no to harder hikes so I can stay home and cook myself a nice meal? Not missing out. Saying no to extra social stuff to vibe with tea and a book? Not missing out. Happily indulging in JOMO - Joy of Missing Out. The term gained popularity as an intentional, positive alternative to anxiety-driven FOMO around 2016-2018 when people started talking about digital wellness and social media fatigue. Turns out, the thing I thought I was "missing" was just stress and exhaustion. The thing I was gaining? Peace.

The actual tea on how to do it:

One: Stop explaining yourself.
This was hard. People-pleasers love to justify, soften the blow with reasons. "I can't make the hike because I'm tired and my knees hurt and I have laundry..." Nope. "I can't make it. Thanks for asking!" Done. Research shows that reasons just invite negotiation - people try to solve your way into a yes. No reason = no argument.

Two: Check if you're saying no from fear or from actual boundaries.
Fear-based no feels heavy and guilty. Boundary-based no feels clean.

Three: Start small.
Say no to easy stuff first - dinner invites you want to avoid, extra tasks that don't add value.
Build the muscle so when bigger things come, you're not panicking. You've already flexed the "no" muscle.

One of my favorite dialogs is from the Bollywood movie Pink. Amitabh Bachchan says: "No is a complete sentence."
You don't owe anyone an explanation. You don't need a reason. Sometimes there just isn't one. And that's valid.

Brené Brown says boundaries are "the clearest path to compassion." When you know your limits, you actually show up for people who matter. You're not resentful or running on empty, rather, you're present.

Taylor Swift sings: "I wouldn't marry me either, a pathological people pleaser, who only wanted you to see her."

We don't have to be that person anymore.

Ladies First (Everything Else Second)

#270

So thanks to CrossFit, I got myself a gals gang. Didn't plan for it, just serendipitously happened. One workout buddy turned into four of us, sometimes twelve when literally everyone can make it, which is rare but a different, welcome vibe.

We hike. We throw birthday parties where the birthday girl shows up with a tiara she's already wearing and we're drinking wine debating whether Vegas is actually going to happen this year (it might, it might not, we'll probably book it at the last minute like we do everything). We lose our minds at the gym over each other's lifts. Like, genuinely lose it. "OMG your squat looks fly." "Did you just PR that deadlift??"  "Girl, look at those triceps working!!" The kind of loud, unselfconscious cheering that makes our actual partners a tiny bit jealous sometimes. They're happy for us, sure, but there's definitely that little glint of FOMO. Which is kind of hilarious because what are they jealous of? We're just yelling about weights and planning hikes.

Every other month, whoever can make it shows up. No guilt trips if you can't make it. No "where have you been?" No elaborate planning required. Just: you free? Cool, let's go. Sometimes it's three of us on a trail talking about life and philosophy. Sometimes it's ten of us at a restaurant somehow all talking at once about our most and least favorite concerts and other random things that are fun to vote on.

Here's the thing about girl gangs after college: most of them die or gradually turn into WhatsApp chats with muted notifications, where a couple of folks post for a while and then that fizzles out too. People move, get married, have kids, get busy, drift into their own lives. It's normal. It's expected. But with us, CrossFit brought us together and kept us going strong. 

Self-care is simply saying yes to the plans that get made spontaneously. Even on a low or meh day, putting on a dress and stepping out of the house to meet them is the hard part. The rest is taken care of.

Yes, And... Eat Well

#269

There's a game in improv called "Fortunately, Unfortunately." The rule is simple: one person says something fortunate, the next says something unfortunate that complicates it, back and forth. It's about accepting what comes and building on it—never blocking, always adding.

Fortunately, I had a high metabolism since childhood, thanks to my mom feeding me nutritious meals patiently for an hour, sometimes longer. This likely contributed to how my body processes food efficiently now, though I didn't appreciate that gift until much later. 

Unfortunately, I took that foundation for granted. As an adult, I tend to eat carelessly on most days. Fast and mindless, despite knowing how much damage careless eating can do even when your metabolism is naturally fast. Your vagus nerve - the gut-brain bidirectional communication highway - needs roughly 20 minutes to signal satiety to your brain. Rush through meals, and you bypass that entirely. But here's what matters more: your microbiome produces signals for fullness, but only if you eat slowly enough for proper digestion. Sports train your nervous system to actually listen to hunger cues.

Fortunately, that's what CrossFit did for me. I also started paying attention to what I ate. Food after CrossFit satiated not only my appetite but also my curiosity about the science. I also began caring about meeting my protein goals for the day - 0.8g of protein per kilogram of body weight.

Unfortunately, being a vegetarian since forever, and a vegan 6 months and counting, I had to get intentional about sources - tofu, lentils, chickpeas - to cross at least 60-70g of protein every day. 

Fortunately, I liked circling through them to maintain variety and avoid boring meal prep beyond 2-3 days. Moreover, variety helps. People who eat diverse plant proteins have significantly richer gut microbiomes than those who rely on a single source. Gut bacteria thrive on diversity. And they also say yay to fiber! Being a vegetarian, I was already eating a lot of fiber-rich foods without having to try too hard. 

Unfortunately, high fiber only works if your gut has time to process it. Adequate chewing increases enzyme breakdown and lets your gut bacteria ferment properly, producing those satiety signals your brain relies on.

Fortunately, eating well without noise is simple: eat slowly, eat variety, eat what satisfies you. I was never one for counting calories obsessively. I still don't indulge in that, rather look at the amount of protein intake per meal. The CrossFit food philosophy is basically: Meat and Veggies, Some Fruit, Little Starch, and No Sugar. I swap meat for more veggies and protein-rich carbs.

Unfortunately, we've been sold the myth that metabolism is destiny. Dr. Sarah Hallberg's TED talk on managing diabetes via a ketosis diet and the YouTube documentary Fat Fiction dismantle this. Mark Hyman, author of Food The Book, also prominently featured in the documentary, calls it "bio-individuality"—genetics, microbiome, dietary history all affect how you process food. What works for someone else isn't your blueprint.

Fortunately, everyone's body constitution is different. Find what works for you over blocking yourself with universal "shoulds."

Self-care is about listening to the one body you get.

"Taut" Lessons

#268

Paraphrasing Robin Sharma, "Hard becomes easy, and easy becomes hard by choosing hard things over easy things". That was my motto this year - to "Do hard things."

A few months ago, I allowed myself to pause guitar lessons, after only having been at it for about a year.

Why? Because I had hit a wall in my beginner-to-intermediate journey where weekly lessons introduced new songs in every session, and I wasn't putting in the practice time because, well, it was hard. And I used to be a chronic hard-things-quitter.

But come 2026, I decided to adhere to my theme so I thought - what if I picked up something even harder? And I found violin. An instrument I've never touched in my life. Signed up for weekly in-person lessons.

The logic made sense to me: if I learn violin, guitar will feel easier by comparison.

Turns out I was onto something.

Violin absolutely humbled me. The bow control, the pressure, finding the right notes on each string. Playing it initially sounded like a cat being run over again and again. Thankfully I got a mute that made practice easier! But it took way longer and multiple lessons for me to get accustomed to playing it right. I was grateful for in-person lessons so my instructor could correct every mistake immediately in real-time. Plus both my teachers (guitar and violin) are the kind of strict, passionate, hilarious humans who make you want to show up and work harder. They love what they do. And I love that.

And yeah - suddenly guitar didn't feel so impossible anymore.

Now I'm doing both. Taylor Swift songs on guitar (thanks Nena Shelby for making this fun on YouTube!), violin scales and pieces with my other instructor, about 3-4 hours a week total split between them. Both liberate me similar to driving. They help me clear my head, temporarily pausing incessant thoughts and worries.

The key lesson I learned here is that "hard" is relative. A great way to make something feel manageable or easier is to deliberately do something harder alongside it.

There's this concept in psychology called "anchoring effect" - a cognitive bias faced during estimations or negotiations, where the first piece of information you encounter becomes your reference point for everything else. Violin anchored 'hard' in my brain and everything else got measured against it. So guitar looked pretty doable from there. 

Over time, hedonic adaptation kicked in - my brain got used to the difficulty. Week over week, violin started feeling less uncomfortable, so did the guitar, and the journey continues. 

Addicted to the "inner net"

#267

I used to shy away from meditation and meditation-related advice. Someone would say "just focus on your breath" and I'd immediately start hyperventilating. Like, congratulations, now I'm anxious and panicking about my breathing patterns. 

BTW this happens to a lot of people—especially if you've been through burnout or your nervous system's been running on high alert. Focusing inward can feel threatening when your body's already in defense mode. So "just calm down" doesn't work. Your system isn't listening.

Anyway, I decided to give Insight Timer a shot this year because it was free and didn't require me to pretend I was some zen person sitting cross-legged in silence and stillness. The app has these category-specific meditations—anxiety ones, sleep ones, breathwork, affirmations, manifestations, challenges you look forward to because they're short and manageable, and more. I chose the guided meditation track and started with five minutes because anything longer felt overwhelming at the time.

After sticking with it for a couple of months, I started lengthening the duration - to ten minutes, then to fifteen, twenty, going back to ten on not-so-great days, and so on. I also learned to observe my thoughts and feelings without judging them. Not trying to fix them or make them go away—just noticing them pass. My mind would wander and I'd be able to bring back my focus to my breathing.

One thing that helped me, because I'm visual, was to start painting a picture: O2 oxygen molecules entering through one nostril, filling my lungs, making them all happy and buoyant. And CO2 carbon dioxide molecules leaving through the other nostril, taking the dirty stuff with it. Clean air in. Stale air out. Over and over. Watching my lungs expand and deflate like balloons.

There's a book written by Sylvia Boorstein titled: "Don't just do something, sit there." Which is basically the opposite of how I was wired in the olden days (read more about that in my Post #261: Resting Guilt). 

My entire system used to be built on react-now, fix-immediately, keep-moving-or-collapse mantras. Sitting with the discomfort instead of trying to bulldoze through or problem-solve it instantly? Kinda felt impossible. But nowadays? When anxiety starts creeping up, I become aware of it, label it, and say what's happening because putting words to it immediately causes a distraction and reduces the anxiety felt. I no longer panic about the panic. I try to sit with it. Watch it do its dance. It passes soon enough. And I'm still standing.

My best connection this year is the one running between my lungs and my brain. I enjoy continuing to increase that bandwidth.

Being okay with DNFing

#266

Goodreads just added a DNF shelf. Did Not Finish. As someone with a mild, completely-under-control need for closure — we all crave resolution in different ways, don't we? — I am not actually a DNF person though I might portray that confidence. I finish books. All of them. Even the ones that are clearly not my people. Even the ones where I'm reading the last page purely to know how it ends, not because I'm invested in how it ends.

So rather than a DNF list, I have a "finished but felt nothing" shelf. The polite breakup shelf. The "it's not you, it's me — actually it might be you — but mostly it's just taste, and to each, their own, right?" shelf.(See Parts 1, 2, and 3 for the books that did the opposite.)

Self-care, especially in terms of choosing what serves you and letting go of the rest, applies to reading too. Not every book deserves your full emotional investment. Some you finish, close, and move on from gracefully. Here are a few of mine:

Being There — slim, clever, satirical, a genuinely brilliant conceit — left me cold despite my best efforts. Lessons in Chemistry had a premise I wanted to devour and prose I couldn't quite sink into. The Nightingale and Babel both came with enormous hype and my complete willingness to be swept away, given I've read and decently enjoyed other books from the same authors — neither swept me away, though I finished both dutifully and admired what they were doing from a respectful, slightly detached distance.

And Christopher Paolini's To Sleep in a Sea of Stars — I gave it a proper go, truly — but somewhere around the midpoint I realized I was reading to finish, not reading to feel. Sometimes a book is objectively well-crafted and simply not your music, that's not a verdict on the book. Sarah J Maas' A Court of Thorns and Roses fell into the same category: finished, respected, felt nothing particularly lasting. 

No hard feelings. Not every book is meant to be your book, the same way not every song is meant to be your song.

Life is too short and the TBR pile too tall for anything less.