Scar wars

#286

My face went to war with itself last month. A cyst had bloomed beneath my lip- one of those angry, pus-filled things that hurt to touch. By next morning it was a throbbing yellow beacon. By evening, after twelve hours in ninety-degree heat, it was oozing. I picked at it (yes, I know better). It cleared in real time. Now it's just a scabbed reminder that skin is deeply, brutally biological.

For the past year, I've been chasing the acne fix like a technical problem with a clean solution. Cut dairy (#260). Lift three times a week. Eat real food. Get sleep. And yet, despite doing everything the dermatologist and every wellness influencers prescribed, my skin got worse, not better.

Of course acne isn't a single variable equation. I dug deeper to find solace.

A dermatologist gave me topical creams and benzoyl peroxide face wash, and explained to me what happens when using tretinoin. It is a vitamin A derivative that rewires how skin cells behave. Your skin gets angry first. Irritated, flaky, breakout-prone. The instinct is to stop. I almost did. But she said: "You have to get past the hump." The temporary peeling off is the skin purging damaged cells and rebuilding. I learned that retinol products focus on faster skin turnover.

How they do this: bacteria live in your pores like uninvited roommates. Your immune system sends white blood cells to evict them. Pus is what's left over: dead bacteria and dead WBC soldiers. It's your body doing its job, just messily.

I started retinizing last week. My face looks worse than it did in week one. But understanding the mechanism makes it less personal and slightly more motivating. I reassure myself that my skin isn't betraying me but rather just rebuilding, albeit slower than I'd like.

The Stoics have a concept called "amor fati". It means loving your fate. A lot of things in life get worse before they get better. Acupuncture. Physical therapy. Learning an instrument. My face care journey, no exception. The discomfort isn't a sign you're doing it wrong. Sometimes it's proof you're doing it right.

Self-care isn't always comfortable. Sometimes it's investing in a cream that stings, or a dermatologist appointment that costs real money, or sitting with your face looking worse while collagen rewires underneath. 

The temporary chaos is the price of actual change.